Fake relationships?

You know, that picture of "Speidi" I posted last blog got me thinking. It's pretty obvious that Heidi and Spencer are in a completely fake relationship, and it pretty much makes all of us want to vomit. But how many of us have had a semi-fake relationship before? If you think about how many people continue to stay together, after the feelings are gone and possibly waiting to see if the other person will change...wouldn't that be in the realm of fakeness? Obviously us normal people aren't posing obnoxiously with our Taco Bell, but maybe more of us have a little "fake" than we'd like to think.

I think it all goes back to being real. A lot of people aren't very good at being real and would rather avoid, hide and lie instead of simply speaking their mind. It might help our relationships if we weren't so afraid of being honest...

When the Trust Game Leads to Stalking

via email:

"Dear M. Rose,

Once upon a time, my boyfriend gave me his email password when I helped set up his Blackberry. Despite being an incredibly nosy person, I never logged into his account to spy, since doing so would have been a complete invasion of privacy and wrong (hello! ). However, all those privacy principles went out the window when we went through a rough period in our relationship. I assuaged many of my fears and insecurities by reading his emails, hoping to find a reason to explain why he was acting like such a crappy boyfriend. I never did, and several months later we've managed to work through most of (my) trust and insecurity issues and our relationship is back to normal - almost! Despite being happy and feeling more secure, I am still completely addicted to checking his email to confirm he isn't doing anything naughty! I have never done anything other than passively read emails of interest, but at the end of the day, I realize how stalkerish and compulsive my behavior is. And besides, it would be completely mortifying if I was ever caught by him, which is only a matter of time. I'm starting to feel more obsessed than in love with him, but I don't know how to stop myself. Help!

Sincerely,

Addicted to Love"

Addicted to love (and email checking), it sounds like this is a trust issue. Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, be it a boyfriend, friend or your dentist. You gotta have trust, otherwise you won't want to get close to the person (or let that person get near your chompers). When you started checking the emails, it was because you probably felt the trust slipping...and therefore you let your principles about privacy slip too. I'm not blaming you- I think a lot of us would probably do the same, though we'd never admit it. But it's time to stop the OCD email spying.

I think the bottom line is that you never found anything incriminating in his emails even when you were going through the rough, brier patch part of your relationship, right? Obviously your boyfriend doesn't have anything to hide, and that should calm down your fears. There's no need to go all stalkerazzi on him; there never was. Now, you should stop checking his email out of respect for him, and your relationship. If he finds out, he's going to lose trust in YOU. And then you'll be back to the brier patch. Isn't trust such a fun thing??

As an added bonus to your request for m.rose to solve your problem, if you ever check your boyfriend's email again, I'm going to taser you (I have mind-control powers, don't tell anyone). But in all seriousness, leave the spying for James Bond. And if you ever have the urge, just think about all those boring emails you saw about fantasy baseball and Obama v. Hilary and maybe it'll calm you down. You don't want to mess with the trust in your relationship- like Heidi Montag's dignity, once it's gone...you'll never get it back.

This could be your future....

My Ex is Back and I Really Don't Like It...Hey La Hey La...

via email:

"dear m. rose,

i have a strange question. my exes always reappear in my life. no matter whether we broke up amicably or wanted to kill each other by the end of the relationship. they ALWAYS come back! now, i understand the ex that i am on good terms with initiating things, since things ended on good terms. but why would my exes that by the end of the relationships we couldn't stand each other- why would they want to out of the blue start being in touch, after weeks, months, sometimes years? it just doesn't make sense! the kicker is that i usually hear from them all in waves. like i heard from 2 within 3 days. can you shed some light on this situation?

love,
he never called me this much when we were together, and now he puts me on speed dial?"

Aren't exes a pain? Most people can't stand the fact that they have exes, especially when they continue to call or run into you. I personally feel that talking to your ex after you've broken up is pointless and will only harm you (unless you were friends first for a long while and then dated)...but my opinion is very skewed because I hardly have any real exes (and am therefore really lucky hah!).

So let's take a look at your problem. I think there may be a few reasons why your past lovers are harassing you. You might be able to tell which one goes with which ex, or if you just want an explanation, you can eenie-meenie-miney-mo it. Here we go!
1) They miss you- sometimes after a long while, we forget all the bad stuff that happened in a relationship and only remember the good. Hence, the "I miss my ex" times...this usually happens when your ex is single and has absolutely nothing going on in their life (not even good TV to watch). The best you can do is not fall prey to this--you two broke up for a reason.

2) They want you to miss them- This is the other side to explanation #1. If they do have a lot going on in their lives and want to shove it in your face, they might call you a lot all of a sudden. This is usually because they want you to miss them, or feel regret for the relationship ending. Usually though, they just want an ego boost, so this is another one to not fall for.

3) They want to hook up- This is almost worse than numbers 1 and 2 because they're trying to go back to something they had (that's you) for something they should be getting with someone new. Basically, an ex will try this if they're lonely (aka nothing going on, not even TV) and dateless and otherwise pathetic and need I go on? I know we're all human and blah blah blah, but really. Hooking up with an ex is never a good way to move on, so any ex that tries this is kind of sad.

4) They truly have gotten past everything that happened between you two in relationship and they really just want to develop an honest and beautiful friendship with you- .....haha! You know, this one is really unlikely. I'm not saying it's out of the question, but this might only happen if you were good friends before dating, or perhaps in your scenario where things ended very well. If you and your ex just decided that you weren't right for each other romantically but still got along, this could be the case. Otherwise, be wary of any ex who tries to get you to believe that this is the case.

Basically, exes are evil. They can unnecessarily complicate your life in so many annoying ways, so I say any ex that you don't want to talk to, follow your gut and stay away. But if there is an ex that you enjoyed spending time with, try out a friendship and see what happens. But definitely follow your gut. And make sure you focus on the here and now, not the past. It might save you some sanity at the end of the day.

Take Me Down to the Codependent City

via email:

"My girlfriend is too hot and it makes me want to be with her all day instead of actually doing anything. Is there something wrong with me? More poignantly, is there something wrong with her?

-Lost in Love"

This is quite a dilemma you're in: go to work or be with your girlfriend, eat lunch or be with your girlfriend, breathe or be with your girlfriend...you seem to like her a lot, which is good, but then WHABAM! you wake up one day and you're in Codependent City. You know, the city of "I can't go to Target to pick up shaving cream unless my girlfriend goes with me" and much, much more unhealthy neediness.

One of the problems a lot of people have in relationships is balance. Balance is hard, especially when you're with someone you care about so much that you want to be with them constantly. But once you start spending all your time together, ignoring your friends and family, and losing your job at Pep Boys, you've gone too far. Women are notorious for this- when they have a boyfriend, all of a sudden they don't see their friends anymore. But that wouldn't happen if they knew how to balance! Really, it IS possible to have a relationship, a job, friends, and hobbies all together in the same life.

Yes, you want to be with your girlfriend 24/7...but at the end of the day, that's not healthy. You both need your own lives and your own stuff going on outside of each other to have a good relationship. You can't rely on one person to be your everything- it's too much pressure, and you're better off if you have more than one person in your life that you can count on.

So enjoy your girlfriend, but also enjoy the other things and people you enjoy. Your relationship will be better if you have a life (and you also won't run out of things to talk about!).