And Here We Have Compatibility...Going Once, Going Twice...

via email:

"M. Rose,

I love my boyfriend a lot, but he broke up with me again last week. We've been together for 5 years and broken up at least 5 times. I know he's the one for me, but we keep getting in these stupid fights and breaking up. How do I get him to realize that we're so right for each other and that we should stop fighting?

Thanks,
Seriously Love Torn"

Oh Love Torn, this is one of the oldest stories in the book of dead-end relationships. "We're going to be together forever, except for those 6 months that we took a break, and then that year that we barely spoke, but if you ignore all the times we've broken up, we're perfect together!" It sounds as though you have a very tormented and dramatic relationship. Some people crave drama and unhappiness in their lives, but all that fighting and the ups and downs are eventually going to wear on you.

The way I see it, is that if you've broken up more than twice with your boyfriend, it probably means that you two are not very well-matched. Sometimes you are, but other times you can't even stand to be around each other. If you truly were right for each other, you'd be well-matched all the time (well, 97% of the time...you're bound to fight every now and then). Basically Love Torn, this seems to be a compatibility issue.

Sure you and your beau have great times I'm sure, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will break up with you at the drop of a hat? And then get back together with you later? What happens if you get married to this person? Seriously. Let Mr. Dead-End go and find someone you're more compatible with! (Or at least someone who wants to be with you consistently!)

Fake relationships?

You know, that picture of "Speidi" I posted last blog got me thinking. It's pretty obvious that Heidi and Spencer are in a completely fake relationship, and it pretty much makes all of us want to vomit. But how many of us have had a semi-fake relationship before? If you think about how many people continue to stay together, after the feelings are gone and possibly waiting to see if the other person will change...wouldn't that be in the realm of fakeness? Obviously us normal people aren't posing obnoxiously with our Taco Bell, but maybe more of us have a little "fake" than we'd like to think.

I think it all goes back to being real. A lot of people aren't very good at being real and would rather avoid, hide and lie instead of simply speaking their mind. It might help our relationships if we weren't so afraid of being honest...

When the Trust Game Leads to Stalking

via email:

"Dear M. Rose,

Once upon a time, my boyfriend gave me his email password when I helped set up his Blackberry. Despite being an incredibly nosy person, I never logged into his account to spy, since doing so would have been a complete invasion of privacy and wrong (hello! ). However, all those privacy principles went out the window when we went through a rough period in our relationship. I assuaged many of my fears and insecurities by reading his emails, hoping to find a reason to explain why he was acting like such a crappy boyfriend. I never did, and several months later we've managed to work through most of (my) trust and insecurity issues and our relationship is back to normal - almost! Despite being happy and feeling more secure, I am still completely addicted to checking his email to confirm he isn't doing anything naughty! I have never done anything other than passively read emails of interest, but at the end of the day, I realize how stalkerish and compulsive my behavior is. And besides, it would be completely mortifying if I was ever caught by him, which is only a matter of time. I'm starting to feel more obsessed than in love with him, but I don't know how to stop myself. Help!

Sincerely,

Addicted to Love"

Addicted to love (and email checking), it sounds like this is a trust issue. Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, be it a boyfriend, friend or your dentist. You gotta have trust, otherwise you won't want to get close to the person (or let that person get near your chompers). When you started checking the emails, it was because you probably felt the trust slipping...and therefore you let your principles about privacy slip too. I'm not blaming you- I think a lot of us would probably do the same, though we'd never admit it. But it's time to stop the OCD email spying.

I think the bottom line is that you never found anything incriminating in his emails even when you were going through the rough, brier patch part of your relationship, right? Obviously your boyfriend doesn't have anything to hide, and that should calm down your fears. There's no need to go all stalkerazzi on him; there never was. Now, you should stop checking his email out of respect for him, and your relationship. If he finds out, he's going to lose trust in YOU. And then you'll be back to the brier patch. Isn't trust such a fun thing??

As an added bonus to your request for m.rose to solve your problem, if you ever check your boyfriend's email again, I'm going to taser you (I have mind-control powers, don't tell anyone). But in all seriousness, leave the spying for James Bond. And if you ever have the urge, just think about all those boring emails you saw about fantasy baseball and Obama v. Hilary and maybe it'll calm you down. You don't want to mess with the trust in your relationship- like Heidi Montag's dignity, once it's gone...you'll never get it back.

This could be your future....

My Ex is Back and I Really Don't Like It...Hey La Hey La...

via email:

"dear m. rose,

i have a strange question. my exes always reappear in my life. no matter whether we broke up amicably or wanted to kill each other by the end of the relationship. they ALWAYS come back! now, i understand the ex that i am on good terms with initiating things, since things ended on good terms. but why would my exes that by the end of the relationships we couldn't stand each other- why would they want to out of the blue start being in touch, after weeks, months, sometimes years? it just doesn't make sense! the kicker is that i usually hear from them all in waves. like i heard from 2 within 3 days. can you shed some light on this situation?

love,
he never called me this much when we were together, and now he puts me on speed dial?"

Aren't exes a pain? Most people can't stand the fact that they have exes, especially when they continue to call or run into you. I personally feel that talking to your ex after you've broken up is pointless and will only harm you (unless you were friends first for a long while and then dated)...but my opinion is very skewed because I hardly have any real exes (and am therefore really lucky hah!).

So let's take a look at your problem. I think there may be a few reasons why your past lovers are harassing you. You might be able to tell which one goes with which ex, or if you just want an explanation, you can eenie-meenie-miney-mo it. Here we go!
1) They miss you- sometimes after a long while, we forget all the bad stuff that happened in a relationship and only remember the good. Hence, the "I miss my ex" times...this usually happens when your ex is single and has absolutely nothing going on in their life (not even good TV to watch). The best you can do is not fall prey to this--you two broke up for a reason.

2) They want you to miss them- This is the other side to explanation #1. If they do have a lot going on in their lives and want to shove it in your face, they might call you a lot all of a sudden. This is usually because they want you to miss them, or feel regret for the relationship ending. Usually though, they just want an ego boost, so this is another one to not fall for.

3) They want to hook up- This is almost worse than numbers 1 and 2 because they're trying to go back to something they had (that's you) for something they should be getting with someone new. Basically, an ex will try this if they're lonely (aka nothing going on, not even TV) and dateless and otherwise pathetic and need I go on? I know we're all human and blah blah blah, but really. Hooking up with an ex is never a good way to move on, so any ex that tries this is kind of sad.

4) They truly have gotten past everything that happened between you two in relationship and they really just want to develop an honest and beautiful friendship with you- .....haha! You know, this one is really unlikely. I'm not saying it's out of the question, but this might only happen if you were good friends before dating, or perhaps in your scenario where things ended very well. If you and your ex just decided that you weren't right for each other romantically but still got along, this could be the case. Otherwise, be wary of any ex who tries to get you to believe that this is the case.

Basically, exes are evil. They can unnecessarily complicate your life in so many annoying ways, so I say any ex that you don't want to talk to, follow your gut and stay away. But if there is an ex that you enjoyed spending time with, try out a friendship and see what happens. But definitely follow your gut. And make sure you focus on the here and now, not the past. It might save you some sanity at the end of the day.

Take Me Down to the Codependent City

via email:

"My girlfriend is too hot and it makes me want to be with her all day instead of actually doing anything. Is there something wrong with me? More poignantly, is there something wrong with her?

-Lost in Love"

This is quite a dilemma you're in: go to work or be with your girlfriend, eat lunch or be with your girlfriend, breathe or be with your girlfriend...you seem to like her a lot, which is good, but then WHABAM! you wake up one day and you're in Codependent City. You know, the city of "I can't go to Target to pick up shaving cream unless my girlfriend goes with me" and much, much more unhealthy neediness.

One of the problems a lot of people have in relationships is balance. Balance is hard, especially when you're with someone you care about so much that you want to be with them constantly. But once you start spending all your time together, ignoring your friends and family, and losing your job at Pep Boys, you've gone too far. Women are notorious for this- when they have a boyfriend, all of a sudden they don't see their friends anymore. But that wouldn't happen if they knew how to balance! Really, it IS possible to have a relationship, a job, friends, and hobbies all together in the same life.

Yes, you want to be with your girlfriend 24/7...but at the end of the day, that's not healthy. You both need your own lives and your own stuff going on outside of each other to have a good relationship. You can't rely on one person to be your everything- it's too much pressure, and you're better off if you have more than one person in your life that you can count on.

So enjoy your girlfriend, but also enjoy the other things and people you enjoy. Your relationship will be better if you have a life (and you also won't run out of things to talk about!).

Nobody Likes a Desperado

via email:

"dear m. rose,

i don't understand why i can't get a boyfriend. i do everything i can to get one, i'll do whatever the guy asks me to do, and help him with his errands, and i don't hold off on sleeping with him or anything, so why is it that guys don't like me? i will admit, i get a little jealous if guys aren't paying attention to me but i think i'm attractive enough so i don't know what's wrong. any advice?

-anonymous"


Ah, the inevitable dilemma: what do guys want? While I don't claim to know the depths of the male mind entirely (chicks, beer, football?), I sense an air that you're giving off that, believe it or not, may turn off potential male suitors. That air is the thick odorous stank of Desperation. You're coming off to men as a little too desperate for a boyfriend. Sometimes women think this is what guys want- a girl who's willing to do anything for them, to bend over backwards and sideways so that a guy will love her. Incorrecto! The only men you'll attract with this plan are ones who are desperate for a girlfriend, meaning they'll date anyone who will have them. Not really the kind of guy you want as a boyfriend, right?

If you want to snag a guy who's not desperate, it's okay to be yourself. Lay off on the errands and doing whatever he wants. Most men like it when a girl has opinions, a mind of her own, even a life of her own. It makes you interesting and draws guys to you when you look fulfilled without a boyfriend. Think of boyfriends as an added supplement to your life diet, like the vitamins you pop in the morning- they're not your entire food pyramid. Maybe if you cool it on finding a boyfriend, you'll see that you're fine without one.

Focus on building yourself up first. When you're feeling good about you, you'll start attracting good people to you. It's that simple. Oh and try to squash those feelings of jealously- green isn't even a good color on Kermit the Frog.

Why Men and Women Aren't Meant to be Friends Pt. 2

via email:

"dear m.rose,

my best male friend and i have this obvious intense attraction to each other. i've expressed my feelings for him and he said that he didn't want to take a chance on ruining our friendship. later on in the saga of our relationship, we hit it and quit it. he apologized for not being honest with me about his feelings for me and promised that we would work things out. he then immediately jumped into a relationship with an unattractive girl [notice a pattern?] who he proposed to, only to have the relationship backfire. please tell me that it's not me, it's him.

love,
i snowboarded past your fraternity"


Welcome back, Banker Hater with yet another dilemma! Glad that you enjoyed my advice so much to submit again. I've already gone over the male/female friendship issue in a previous blog post, so I won't cover it again. But your email is a perfect example of why it's so hard for men and women to be friends! Somebody ends up with a crush and then gets crushed in the process (they should really be nicer and use actual rocks instead of emotional pain).

Anyhowzers, I think #1: most frat guys are idiots, and #2: you're experiencing a pattern that I and many of my friends have also experienced. I call it the Post-Dating Insanity Phenomenon. After you date someone (or in your case, "hit it and quit it," which I must give you props for using), your 'ex' all of a sudden goes insane and finds the scariest, most deformed, Swamp Thing- looking person to date. Now, I have nothing against unattractive people, but that's not the point.

The point is that first of all, you're too hot for the guys you're dating, and second of all, they had such low self-esteem after you dated them that they had to find someone that would make them look SO hot in comparison to boost themselves up (normal people look like George Clooney next to Swamp Thing). And the reason for their low esteem is YOUR hotness! So don't let it bring you down. Ten bucks you're the hottest girl this guy has ever been around in his life.

In this case, Banker Hater (I'm still enjoying your nickname), it really isn't you. He probably jumped into a relationship to avoid his obsession/feelings for you...hence why his rendezvous didn't work out. My personal suggestion is never to fall for a friend because from what I know, it hardly ever works out. You can safely throw this one in the trash can of life.

Men Can Be Confusing Too

via email:

"m.rose,
I casually dated a guy a few years back but because of distance, we broke it off but stayed in touch. Lately, he has been very persistent in wanting to speak on a regular basis and have deep conversations. The only thing is, when either of us in in the other person's town, he avoids me like the plague!! What is going on?"

In order to answer this one fully, I think I'd need more information. Let's meet up for coffee on the moon tomorrow at 8pm Eastern Standard Time, unknown person. But really, this is a perfect example of how men can be just as confusing as women! Men don't understand women because we have a different mood every day. But when men become confusing, it's usually because they're feeling some sort of emotion and must suppress it with every fiber of their being. Cause you know, all guys do is play football, drink beer and make fire. Unfortunately, you can blame society for that one. (smallprint: not EVERY guy on the planet is like this, so men don't get too offended)

As far as your guy goes, the best approach would be the direct one. There might be something specific he wants to tell you (he's gay? ha kidding) but can't. Or he might just be flakey. Whatever it is, just ask him. Guys usually respond best to directness- they don't take hints very well, which I'm sure you've noticed if you've ever tried to subtly hint to a guy about anything. Just ask him what's up. That might solve the mystery of "The Guy Who Wants To Talk But Not See Your Face."

A Blog About Settling

Just a few words about something that I think a lot of people find themselves doing...I do not believe anyone should ever settle. Ever. There are so many arenas for settling: jobs, relationships, location, etc. We all know someone who's gotten married only because they've been with their partner for so long, or stayed at their job because they were afraid to do something different. What ever happened to reaching for the stars? Or even just being happy?

There is no reason to ever settle in anything you do. Sure it might be easier, sure it would cause less of a raucous, but in the end it's worth it to pursue what truly brings you joy. Life is full of billions of possibilities- many jobs for you to enjoy, many future relationships to bring contentment, so don't sell yourself short. Embrace the unknown! Listen to that country guy singing about skydiving and Rocky Mountain climbing... and other things you would do if you were dying that rhyme with each other! Live life to the fullest! I'm out of cliches!

YOU Are More Important Than Your Dates

via email:

"dear m.rose,

i was dating a guy for about 10 months, everything seemed to be going great, he was letting me keep things in his apartment and i met his best friends. we decided to take time apart for a little while which i thoroughly enjoyed. then, all of a sudden, he expressed interest in wanting to see me again, but only casually. but, i discovered, through a popular networking website of all places, that he is in a relationship with another girl, albeit an unattractive one! when i confronted him about it, he changed the subject and told me he wasn't trying to play games with me. what gives?

love,
never date an investment banker"

Banker hater- it's understandable that you're confused with Mr. Dolla Dolla Billz (investment bankers do make good money...) because he IS playing games with you. It's a typical douche move. Douche talks for 3 hours about how much of a douche he isn't...thus proving that he is in fact a douche (and fooling no one with his act). The mere fact that Dolla Billz has to say he's not playing games just incriminates him even more.

I think what's happening is that he wants his cake and filet mignon at the same time (you're the steak). Clearly his store-bought plastic-frosting cake girlfriend isn't enough for him, so he's going back to you to get a little mignon on the side. But what's this guy done to get all that goodness? Absolutely nothing from where I'm sitting. You deserve better.

The bottom line is that this guy isn't good enough for you. If he was, he wouldn't have another girlfriend at the moment- all his focus would be on you. You're the steak remember! Clearly he'd rather be with plastic frosting. Move on.

Why Men and Women Aren't Meant to be Friends

via email:

"m.rose,
I have a lot of guy friends (I'm a girl.) I recently got a boyfriend and my best guy friend has been acting weird ever since! He gets mad when I see my boyfriend on the weekends and rolls his eyes when I bring up my bf. My friend is NOT mean, what's his problem?"
Katie, OR"

Well Katie, first of all, guy friends are great- isn't it nice to get away from catty girls once in a while? However, your boyfriend-obtaining is causing a common problem with your friend- I'm going to call him Roy. Roy is jealous. Now, it may be for 1 of 2 reasons. #1: Jealous Roy thinks you've replaced him. He doesn't see you anymore and misses your time together. Or #2: Roy wants to be more than your friend and is mad that your StudlyBF got there first. Unfortunately, #2 is more often the case. I say unfortunately because I'm sure you have no interest in Jealous Roy. He's a great friend, but no romantic feelings are there.

Here's the cold hard truth about guy friends. About 99.9867% of your guy friends would kill to date you. See, women can have platonic friendships with the opposite sex easily (hence why we're the better sex of course), but for guys, it's much harder. If a guy thinks you're cool enough to hang out with, you're most likely on his list of "Women I Would Take Out for a Nice Steak Dinner And Then See Where It Goes From There." And this is why I believe that men and women cannot be friends. Male/female friendships are like that damn Rubix cube- a puzzle that nobody can solve, and those that can should be studied.

It's up to you how you handle Roy Wants to be Your Boyfriend from this point on. Just be aware that he may have feelings for you, and this will make having a platonic friendship difficult.

Welcome! m.rose is here for all your advice needs. For ways to send problems, please see the top of the blog. Start sending in those problems now, and get the answers you need! The advice starts now.....